


i'll be good (for all of the time that I never could)

by dearlybewitched



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, M/M, its bad ok i just had to write it to get it out of my head, like ridiculous angst, spells and magic being used in not canon ways idc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:06:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26569270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dearlybewitched/pseuds/dearlybewitched
Summary: “How foolish".“Perhaps. Probably.”Essek didn't care.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 6
Kudos: 82





	i'll be good (for all of the time that I never could)

**Author's Note:**

> listen, i just had to write this to get it out of my head. also, i am aware that the way spells and magic are used by trent here are not technically right or canon. also, there's little context and it makes no sense how essek got there, I KNOW. just let me be sad pls

Out of the corner of his eyes Caleb could just barely see his friends, each frozen on the ground in place, and tried desperately to move his arms, his legs, to cast a spell - but it was useless. He was once again at the mercy of Trent Ikithon, and the thought of it made him sick. Or it would have, if any part of his body besides his eyes could move. He was hovering on the air above Ikithon, whose hands were splayed out towards him, keeping him captive. 

It's over, he thought. After everything, this is how it ends. With him. 

Looking at those cold, malicious eyes that somehow always seemed to find a way to him again, all he could think was that his friends would also die because of him.

And then, a bright light shone somewhere behind him - a glow similar to that of a teleportation circle, except… the only teleportation circle in Trent's living room was behind him, to the left.  
Could it be Astrid or Eodwulf? And if so, would they assist him or help Trent finish the job?

But as he watched Trent's eyes slide over to that area, all he saw was confusion. He did not hear any steps, until…

Essek Thelyss came into Caleb's view, standing in front of Trent Ikithon and looking directly at him.

.

"Let him go. Let all of them go, and take me instead." 

Essek could see the shock in Trent Ikithon's eyes; the man (could a creature like him even be called that?) blinked, but did not let his hands wander from their focus on Caleb. A faint spectral hand curled around Caleb's neck, Essek could see even as he had walked towards the middle of the room.

Behind Ikithon, the rest of the Mighty Nein stood in their battle ready positions, but they were also under Ikithon's paralysis spell. Essek knew they were watching everything, however, and his heart broke as he took in their frozen expressions.

"And why the hell would I do that?" he asked, a scowl on his face.

Essek took a deep breath. "Because I know what you do, and I would be more useful for you." he stated simply. "You need wizards for your… experiments. I believe you know of not only my position in my Den, but the responsibilities that were assigned to me in the Dynasty". 

Ikithon simply stared, puzzled, so Essek clarified. 

"I am the best you could ask for", he affirmed, willing his voice to be steady. He moved his eyes away from Ikithon for a moment and repressed a shiver at the sinking sensation in his chest. "Imagine what you could accomplish with me and a few of your crystals." 

A moment passed in silence. Then another.

And then, Trent Ikithon's lips slowly turned upwards, all malice and ugliness, and his expression suddenly changed as understanding washed over him. 

“It’s an interesting offer," he said, his words now slow and thoughtful. "So interesting, in fact, that I cannot help but wonder: why?”

_Because I love them._

__

__

_Because I love him._

_Because no matter how hard I try, I cannot shake it off._

“It seems I might have traded my steel sense of self preservation for… sentimentality.” he answered instead, folding his arms and fighting with himself not to look behind him at Caleb's face - it would hurt too much. Both to see him suffering, and to know it was the last time he would see him at all.

Essek preferred to remember him in soft smiles and stolen glances under the warm library light. He would allow himself this one thing, at the end.

“How foolish".

“Perhaps. Probably.”

Essek didn't care.

Another stretch of silence. Even without looking at him, and even though he was frozen, Essek could practically feel Caleb's frantic energy attempting to stop what was happening.

"You do know I've been after this one for a long while? He is my protege, after all" Ikithon said, conversationally.

Essek resisted the urge to spit at him.

"You have numerous occasions to catch him. Have you not noticed how easily his friends get themselves into harm's way?" Essek attempted. "This, however, is a one in a lifetime opportunity. My abilities come to you willingly, not only as a powerful wizard but as the Bright Queen's Shadowhand."

Ikithon cackled, a terrible, jarring sound. "You freely offer me treason - once again - against your motherland, in return for one man's life? And your own life, is it of so little value to you?" 

It was Essek's turn to let out a dry, humorless laugh. "I think I have proven myself not exactly… patriotic." he replied. "And I am a dead man. If not by your hands, then by the Dynasty's".

It was true. He just didn't want his death to be meaningless.

"Very well, Shadowhand", Ikithon declared. "You have a deal."

Essek swallowed and nodded, more to himself than to the man in front of him. He found it fascinating how easily he had accepted this, from the moment the idea crossed his mind. The only good thing he did in life would be his last.

“How do I know you won’t kill him even after I go to you?”, he inquired.

Trent’s wicked smile deepened. “You do not” he said. “But I am interested to see how this circus turns out, and besides - you can trust me that I am not plagued by the same… sentimentality you are. I’ll gladly choke him here and now.”

At the end of his sentence, Ikithon flexed his fist again and Caleb made a horrible, shrieking sound that made Essek’s stomach turn. On reflex, on instinct - because try as he might to repress it, Essek had always been a man of instinct - his head turned and his breath caught in his throat as he saw Caleb. His eyes were wide, desperate, and Essek's resolve was only strengthened - by now, he thought he would do anything to make them have the chance to be bright and happy again. Even if he were not there to see it himself.

“Don’t”, he said, before he even registered he was saying it, and he hated to hear the desperation in his own voice.

 _Pathetic_ , his mother would say. _Weak_.

But…

 _Brave_ , Beauregard might say. _Honorable_ , Fjord might say. _Stupid_ , Caleb would say, so fondly. So alive.

Essek raised his hands and slowly walked to Ikithon's side, noticing the way the man's eyes flicked to his limping, aching leg. He had decided to drop his floating trick in hopes to seem more compliant and get Ikithon to accept his offer more easily. 

Ikithon nodded toward the teleport circle on the corner of the room, silently following Essek there while still maintaining his hand up in the air and his spell effective.

"I'll see you soon, Bren." Ikithon murmured, eyes locked on Caleb's stricken face. 

_I never got to tell him_ , Essek thought. _Does he know?_ Even now, he chided himself for this overwhelming want that had taken over him since he had met Caleb Widogast. But he knew by now it could never work. He accepted every kiss he had imagined, every touch he had fantasised, every word not spoken. He let every one of them into his heart, this strange, beating thing he had only recently found out he had. His wants, tucked gently into it, could not hurt anyone anymore once it stopped beating. 

As the archmage prepared to almost simultaneously let go of one spell and step into the circle, Essek finally let the tears roll out of his eyes. In the split second he looked at Caleb before disappearing, his heart sank more than he ever thought possible as he realized there were also tears running down Caleb's cheeks.


End file.
